The Small Man Syndrome & Respecting the Bigger Person
The Small Man Syndrome: Respecting the Bigger Person
Life is full of crossroads that test our character. Some are small—an insult in traffic, a snide comment at work, or a headshake from an annoyed family member. Others cut deeper—a betrayal, an argument with a partner, or a family wound that won’t heal. In each moment, we face the same choice: will we rise, or will we stoop?
Respecting the “bigger person” isn’t about gender, strength, or dominance. It’s about restraint, dignity, and self-control when lashing out would be easier. The bigger person knows that sometimes the most powerful action is to walk away. The small man, on the other hand, thrives on reaction, drama, and ego.
The Small Man Syndrome
The small man syndrome shows up in people who carry a chip on their shoulder and act purely on emotion. They live off provocation. Their pride is in quick comebacks and winning arguments. Their strength is loud but brittle—it cracks under pressure. They cling to being “right,” confuse pride with power, and mistake noise for influence.
Small men need things to feel better about life—the diamond ring, the bigger engine, the louder exhaust, the house or the boat. These comforts never satisfy for long. The dopamine hit is quick, but the emptiness returns.
When you meet someone suffering from small man syndrome—or catch it rising in yourself—you’ll recognize it by the tension, the need to prove, the pull to fight just because you’ve been challenged. And when the moment passes, it rarely feels good.
Being the Bigger Person
The bigger person doesn’t need to prove their worth in every skirmish. They know their values, and they act from that center. Instead of chasing control, they choose self-control. Instead of clinging to ego, they choose peace of mind. And if they misstep, they revisit it and make it right.
Being the bigger person doesn’t mean being passive or letting others walk over you. It means knowing which battles are worth fighting—and which cost more than they’re worth. With a soul anchored in faith, they see that happiness doesn’t come from possessions. Simply being is enough.
How Do You Know Which One You Are?
The truth is, we’ve all been both.
The small man reacts. The bigger person responds.
The small man is fueled by ego. The bigger person is anchored in values.
The small man wants to be seen as strong. The bigger person actually is strong—and doesn’t need the applause.
You know you’re the bigger person when you can pause, reflect, and choose peace over proving. You know you’ve slipped into the smaller role when your pride feels bruised and your reaction feels urgent.
And here’s the humbling part: it shifts moment by moment. You might carry yourself with grace in the morning and snap in frustration by nightfall. The work isn’t perfection—it’s noticing, catching yourself, and choosing differently next time.
Why Respect Belongs to the Bigger Person
People remember how you carried yourself more than what you shouted. Respect lingers where dignity was present. The bigger person doesn’t need to announce their strength—it’s written in their restraint.
Respecting the bigger person, in yourself or others, means valuing discipline, patience, and integrity over quick victories. It’s choosing alignment over chaos, growth over gossip, and legacy over short-lived pride.
What Psychology Says
Emotional Intelligence: Daniel Goleman’s research shows that self-regulation—the ability to pause before reacting—is one of the five pillars of emotional intelligence and is strongly linked to long-term success (Goleman, Emotional Intelligence, 1995).
Ego and Aggression: Studies show that when people feel their self-image is threatened, they’re more likely to lash out—even irrationally (Bushman & Baumeister, 1998). The small man lives here.
Conflict Resolution: Research highlights that walking away or defusing tension often preserves relationships and reputations more than “winning” the argument (Deutsch & Coleman, The Handbook of Conflict Resolution, 2012).
Respect and Restraint: Neuroscience has shown that pausing even a few seconds before responding allows the logical brain to override the reactive brain, leading to healthier choices (Siegel, The Whole-Brain Child, 2011).
Closing Reflection
At the end of the day, being the bigger person isn’t about status or superiority. It’s about who you choose to be when the pressure is on. The question is not just “who is bigger?” but “who am I choosing to be right now?”
Dignity isn’t handed to us—it’s chosen, moment by moment
References
Baumeister, R. F., & Bushman, B. J. (1998). Threatened egotism, narcissism, self-esteem, and direct and displaced aggression: Does self-love or self-hate lead to violence? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(1), 219–229.
Deutsch, M., & Coleman, P. T. (Eds.). (2012). The Handbook of Conflict Resolution: Theory and Practice (3rd ed.). Jossey-Bass.
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam Books.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.