The Moral Licensing Effect: Stopping the Hurt Isn’t the Same as Doing the Work

Change isn’t always growth. Some people stop doing the thing that broke trust and call it healing. But quitting a harmful habit doesn’t automatically make someone kind, respectful, or accountable. What you’re left with might be quieter—but not necessarily better.

True transformation isn’t about subtraction; it’s about replacement. It’s not what stopped, but what started in its plac

The Myth of “Good Enough”

Some people think that once they stop doing the bad thing, they’ve done enough. They quit the gambling, the lying, the late-night nonsense—and believe the absence of harm automatically equals goodness.

That’s the myth. They confuse relief with redemption.

Psychologists call this a moral licensing effect—the belief that doing something “good” (or no longer doing something “bad”) gives permission to relax moral effort elsewhere. It’s the same mental trick that makes someone say, “I ate healthy all week, so I can skip the gym,” or in relationships, “I stopped cheating, so I shouldn’t have to help with the dishes.”

But that logic doesn’t hold up in love. Relationships aren’t ledgers. Emotional maturity isn’t about breaking even; it’s about evolving.

Psychiatrist Dr. Scott Peck, in The Road Less Traveled, described love as “the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” The key word is extend. Stopping destructive behavior is maintenance, not maturity. Growth begins where comfort ends.

When someone quits the chaos but stops showing care, they haven’t changed—they’ve just rebranded their self-centeredness. They’re still operating from entitlement, what psychologists call a narcissistic defense: “If I’ve done the bare minimum, you owe me grace.”

True accountability replaces defense with humility. It asks, “What does repair look like for the person I hurt?” not “What do I get for behaving now?” That’s the real divide between self-justification and self-awareness.

“The absence of harm isn’t proof of goodness. It’s the starting line of it.”

When Balance Becomes One-Sided

There’s a fatigue that sets in when one person keeps showing up while the other coasts. You carry both ends of the rope—initiating conversations, maintaining the home, managing emotions. Eventually, you forget what it feels like to be met.

Psychologists call this emotional labor—the invisible work of managing not only your own feelings but someone else’s. When it’s mutual, it builds intimacy. When it’s one-sided, it builds resentment.

You start to doubt yourself: “Maybe I’m too demanding.” That’s not oversensitivity—it’s responsibility fatigue. When one person under-functions, the other over-functions to keep things afloat.

That imbalance often grows from learned helplessness—a mindset where someone stops trying because they know others will step in. Over time, it morphs into passive entitlement: “Why should I change? You’ll do it anyway.”

But love isn’t measured by endurance. Carrying the weight of someone’s inertia isn’t devotion—it’s depletion.

Psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “When one person grows and the other doesn’t, the distance between them becomes the relationship.” That distance isn’t always loud; sometimes it’s silent. And silence can be the coldest form of disconnect.

“Peace without participation isn’t peace—it’s quiet neglect.”

The Lazy Man’s Halo

He dropped the poison

and crowned himself pure.

Stopped the storm,

but never planted the garden.

He thought silence meant healing,

that absence equaled effort.

But redemption isn’t the stillness

after chaos—it’s the tending that follows.

The dishes unwashed, the words unsaid,

the eyes that never lift to meet your own—

each a reminder that apathy

is just another form of harm.

He mistook calm for care,

and confusion for change.

But goodness isn’t what’s missing;

it’s what’s offered.

You can’t earn light

by simply turning off the dark.

You have to face the dark,

and still choose to reach for dawn.

Written by Shanda Lynne Kaus RN BScN

a.k.a The Cultivated Intuit 2025

References

Peck, M. S. (1978). The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth. Simon & Schuster.

Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.

Merritt, A. C., Effron, D. A., & Monin, B. (2010). “Moral Self-Licensing: When Being Good Frees Us to Be Bad.” Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 4(5), 344–357.

Hochschild, A. R. (1983). The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling. University of California Press.

Seligman, M. E. P. (1975). Helplessness: On Depression, Development, and Death. W.H. Freeman.