Parental alienation- “In the best interests of the child”
Parenting after separation or divorce is never easy. Even in the best circumstances, children feel the shift of two homes, new routines, and parents adjusting to their own pain. But when one parent deliberately or unconsciously works to damage the child’s relationship with the other parent, a far deeper wound forms—one that can leave scars well into adulthood. This is called parental alienation.
At its core, parental alienation is not about the conflict between two adults—it’s about the quiet, invisible harm inflicted on a child’s heart.
How Alienation Takes Root
Alienation can take many forms:
A parent making negative comments about the other in front of the child.
Withholding important information, like school events or medical needs.
Making a child feel guilty for showing love or loyalty to the other parent.
Subtly (or not so subtly) painting one parent as “unsafe,” “unreliable,” or “unworthy.”
Children are naturally loyal to both parents. When they’re pressured to reject one, they experience an impossible internal conflict: “If I love Mom, I’m betraying Dad. If I love Dad, I’m betraying Mom.”
The Emotional Impact
Alienation pulls children into a storm of emotions they don’t yet have the tools to manage. Common effects include:
Confusion and guilt – They may want to see the other parent but feel ashamed or afraid to admit it.
Loss of trust – When their sense of reality is twisted, they learn not to trust their own feelings—or the adults around them.
Anxiety and depression – Being cut off from a parent feels like abandonment, even when it’s manufactured.
Low self-worth – Children know they are made of both parents. If one is “bad,” what does that make them?
Behavioral and Social Ripples
The turmoil doesn’t stop at home. Alienated children often carry the weight into the wider world:
Struggles at school due to poor focus or acting out.
Trouble maintaining friendships, fearing rejection or betrayal.
Repeating toxic relationship patterns as adults, either pushing people away or clinging too tightly.
The Long-Term Wound
Perhaps the most devastating effect of parental alienation is how it distorts identity. Children need to know both sides of where they come from to grow into their full selves. When that connection is denied, they may face:
A fragmented sense of self.
Difficulty forming healthy relationships.
Lingering grief and regret, especially if they later realize they were misled.
Many adult children of alienation describe feeling like they lost not just a parent, but also a piece of themselves.
Cultivating Healing
The good news is that healing is possible. Children are resilient, especially when they feel steady, unconditional love. Some ways to support them:
Consistency – Even if rejected, keep showing up with love and reliability.
Safe spaces – Give them room to share their feelings without pressure.
Positive reinforcement – Speak with kindness about the other parent, even when it’s hard, to model respect and emotional maturity.
Extended support – Grandparents, teachers, mentors, and therapists can provide a sense of stability and truth.
Reflection Prompts for Parents
If you are navigating the pain of alienation, or simply want to prevent it, here are some gentle questions to sit with:
When I speak about my co-parent in front of my child, do my words build bridges or burn them?
Am I unconsciously asking my child to carry my pain?
What does my child need more than anything right now—to hear my grievances, or to feel my love and safety?
How can I affirm to my child that it’s okay to love both parents fully?
An Intuitive Practice for Healing
Because alienation affects not just the mind, but also the heart, it helps to engage intuition and energy in the healing process. Try this practice
Center Yourself – Sit quietly, place your hand over your heart, and take three deep breaths.
Visualize Wholeness – Picture your child standing between you and your co-parent. Imagine light connecting all three of you, regardless of conflict. This light represents your child’s right to love both parents.
Affirm Out Loud – Whisper or write: “My child has the right to love freely. I release control, and I choose to embody unconditional love.”
Trust the Process – Each time you feel anger rising, return to this visualization as a reminder of the bigger picture: your child’s well-being and wholeness.
A Closing Reflection
Parental alienation is often invisible to outsiders, but for the child, it is a deep fracture in the soul. Healing comes not from winning battles against one another, but from recognizing the higher truth: a child’s heart is not a battlefield.
When we choose love, patience, and awareness, we give our children the greatest gift—permission to love freely, without fear, and to grow into their whole, authentic selves.
Resources:
Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing (2010) written by Dr. Richard Warshak
Parentectomy: A narrative ethnography of 30 cases of parental alienation and what to do about it (2018) by Dr Christine Giancarlo
Video; Craig Childress Lecture on the Pathology of Parental Alienation
:/https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brNuwQNN3q4